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Monologue: At times I sit and ask myself, Why am I still here? There’s so many people who deserve to still be here, like Malcolm X, Martin Luther King and Jesus. Which put’s the thought in my mind, I must be in my own personal hell and the place they venture off to is to be envious of. So the fact my life is still in function and transition tells me I’ve been a naughty girl not yet worth leaving this plane yet. Which is a slap in the face of all that I do. Well in my mind anyways.
Not to say I don’t want to be here. But living in a world where people think having the latest fashion accessory is the end all and be all of everything sacred can get a bit depressing.
I grew up not wanting for anything and not to say I had everything, just more then what others did (From what I was told). Its just we didn’t have a 3rd of what we had back then. I mean yea, Nintendo and Sega was the must haves of my decade growing up. But it wasn’t a deal breaker on life, it’s like if you didn’t have the system itself you knew like 4-5 of your other friends who did. Now mind you I had Sega and Nintendo. Its just when you had that there wasn’t much more to feign about. I wasn’t a big fashion freak growing up being the last out of four girls. I found myself going out the way to be different. I ‘ve never wanted to be part of the crowd. You can say I was my “Father’s” Honorary little boy by choice. I was the one he woke up at 6 o’clock in the morning to help him cut the grass or take the trash to the dump. (Yea there was a point in time we had too do that.)
Kindergarten for me was a fairytale in my head only I’d take the time to remember. They had the Stop light system which I always seemed to manager to fail by always being on red. Not to say I didn’t get in trouble but it wasn’t the type of trouble to deter you from a life of talking in class and goofing off or flirting while the teacher is trying to give a lesson.
All I can remember from that point in time is tuning out my teaching and having the biggest crush one could ever have on the whitest boy in the room. His name was Brandon. We use to sneak kisses during story time and hold hands during lunch. They had to separate us eventually because it became to freakishly obvious that a black girl and a white boy had fell into puppy love. It was confusing at the time.
Even, more now. Considering the lackadaisical way we treat crushes of young children now. Back then you would of thought it was a crime. Now adays you see Kindergarten proms and dances and you wonder where was this when I was a child. Im thinking everyone just became more accepting of the fact that there kids are heterosexual. I don’t know who can say for sure. All I do know is that I haven’t felt the same about a white boy sense. Not to say I wouldn’t date one but it sure does make it taboo from the first one not working out as I thought it would. I swore I was going to bear his children but by the time we made it 8th grade he barely even remembered he knew me, so much for that.
I grew up believing in my mind there's nothing I cant do if I try.. I've fought ever since I got out the house to hold on to that belief so check out the next monologue to see just how... Peace